be careful of what you wish for, you might get it

On Thursday, October 30, I met with a pain management specialist. After I explained my situation, the pain management specialist agreed that back surgery was an option for me. She indicated that she would submit a second request to my insurance company asking that I consult with a spine specialist.

My pain management specialist cautioned me that there were no guarantees that surgery would be successful. One of three things could happen, I could get better, I could stay the same or I could get worse. I knew all of these things before, but now they are more of a reality for me.

Last Friday, November 7, I received approval to see a neurosurgeon. I thought that I would be happy, glad, elated. Yet, I find myself filled with mixed emotions. I’m feeling validated, relieved, and a bit anxious and worried.

I have been pressing forward towards surgery for months, during the process it all seemed like a distant possibility. Now it’s a greater, eminent reality. And I am beginning to feel the emotions of that reality. I know in my head that God is in control. I know in my head that all of this is a part of His grand plan, but in my heart I’m not as sure. Don’t get me wrong, I want be sure. I want to be confident, but I think my heart is playing catch up. I know in my head to trust the Lord, but my heart is unsettled.

During this season, God has used many people to help transform me. He is using my circumstances to mold and make me into who He wants me to become. This last weekend, He spoke to me through various people. On Saturday, I attended a dinner celebration for a friend’s 50th birthday. During the festivities, the birthday girl gave me a gift, a verse and a word. Zephaniah 3.17, The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

She is a doctor and knows my situation, she has been instrumental is providing medical direction. Next week, I will consult with a neurosurgeon that she highly recommends. After sharing the verse with me, she cautioned me to know, internalize, realize and live out this verse prior to my surgery. Her word to me, do not fear, do not be anxious, trust in the Lord (easy for her to say, she’s not the one having surgery).

Just prior to that, a missionary to China shared with me something that God had put upon his heart. He (God, through the missionary) wanted me to trust in Him, to be reassured that everything was going to be okay. This is the second time I met this missionary. My first encounter was in a Smart and Final a few years ago, after he found out about my back, he shared that he had experienced various levels of physical healing the in mission’s field. He wanted to pray for me. So, literally in the middle of the entrance aisle to Smart and Final he prayed for God to heal me, there was no hiding from God or from people.

I share all of this to include you in my process. Through the events of the last few weeks, I am more aware that I am not alone. It has been my desire to let people in, to let people know what I am going through and how I can be supported. I have received much, from many, for which I am deeply grateful.

If you have it in you, please pray for me. Pray that the Lord would touch and heal my body, soul, mind and spirit. Pray that He would use the skills of medical professionals to restore my physical health. Pray for financial restoration and blessing. Pray that the Lord would pour into and over me more of His assurance, rest, and peace. Pray that I would be filled to overflow and be transformed by His love, grace, mercy and compassion. Gratefully, Rick